Jen's Journal

The thin piece of paper I hold precariously in my hands says I graduated on May 9^th of 2020. That is not true. That day I woke up in a new home with trash bags filled with crap we brought with us from the place we used to live.  

We moved to the city because the town we lived in only had one bar. As a city girl, I missed the nightlife. I missed the music that was too loud to talk over. The crowd that allowed you to blend in. The live music that the people in the front row knew every lyric to.

But that’s not the case. Bars close at midnight if they’re even open. Young people are still out and about, unconcerned about this invisible enemy. But it doesn’t feel the same as it once did.

I thought I wanted to be an author. I say author because anyone can be a writer, but not everyone can get published. And maybe I haven’t tried hard enough to get my work out there. Maybe I wasted the time that I was unemployed.

I felt lost in those months, trying to fill the time with things that made me happy, or that I thought made me happy. I don’t know what I want to do. I must remind myself that its okay to be confused.

One of my favorite poems by Rupi Kaur is “timeless”

my twenties are the warm-up

for what i’m really about to do

wait till you see me in my thirties

now that will be a proper introduction

to the nasty. wild. woman in me.

how can i leave before the party’s started

rehearsals begin at forty

i ripen with age

i do not come with an expiration date

and now

for the main event

curtains up at fifty

let’s begin the show

The full poem is in her book the sun and her flowers! I like to read this when I start to worry that I haven’t done enough in my life yet. When I worry that there won’t be enough time to do everything I want to do. When I feel as if I’m wandering through life, unsure of where I’m headed. I like to remind myself that there is still so much time to figure things out.