Jen's Journal

I wear your boxers to bed sometimes, so you’ll think of me every time you get dressed.

When we’re watching a show, I make remarks so you won’t be able to watch them without a memory of me.

I hate cooking, but I hate cooking for men even more. There’s only my mother to blame for that one.

If I’m ever distant, it’s because I’m scared of losing you. It’s my way of preparing myself for a loss I know is possible.

I’m passive-aggressive, stubborn, anxious, disoriented…

It’s annoying how often you play video games, but I would prefer you yell at your buddies than me. It also gives me time to contemplate a world without you in it. Will I still eat as much butter? Smoke as much? Drink as much? Will I finally date a woman?

The answer is no, no, no, and hopefully.

The only reason I’ve thought these things through is that I know what it’s like to lose someone. The grief nearly ruined me. I’m only functioning today because I had to think about a future without him.

Maybe the more I love someone, the more selfish I become. Remember this when it becomes too much to be with me.