Jen's Journal

As I take a bite of the whiskey barbeque wings and swallow it down with a princess yum yum beer, I feel my insides turn and twist against me. It’s been like this for about two weeks now, yet I continue eating and drinking things that don’t work well with me.

What do I have exactly? I’m not sure. But there’s blood in my stool and I get cramps every time I eat and sometimes even breathing hurts.

I have a theory that my body loves to bleed from every place it possibly can. When this wasn’t happening, I would get three-month-long periods, sometimes longer. When I’m not bleeding from down there, my nose opens up and the smell of iron stains my nostrils until I feel lightheaded and drained.

If by some miracle I manage to keep blood in my body, I wake to feel my teeth stuck to my gums. It hurts so much that I keep my mouth shut and switch to liquid meals if I can.

I barely remember the moments when nothing is wrong with me. When it does happen though, I’m usually too disassociated to notice.

I don’t know if I can fix anything in me. I guess growing up is paying more attention to your body and learning and growing with it. It’s the most complicated relationship that I have. It always makes me think of how vincible we all are; and how we were never meant to live forever.