Jen's Journal

When I woke up Jake was still asleep. I was kind of glad, I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t know how to talk to him anymore. I planned on going to the store today and then doing whatever else for many hours just so I wouldn’t have to be here.

I went to the tiny bathroom in our apartment and brushed my teeth. The girl I saw looking back at me seemed sad. She had dark circles under her eyes and they were puffy from crying the night before. Is it bad that I can’t remember the last time I didn’t go to bed without crying?

I came back to the room and changed quickly, trying hard not to wake him up. When I heard movement I held my breath. But then he spoke, I just sighed and finished changing

“Hey, where are you going?”

“The store to get some things that we need. It’s still pretty early, you can go back to sleep if you want.”

“No it’s okay, I’ll go with you.” He said, getting up and putting some clothes on. I was hoping this wouldn’t happen. But I should be used to the fact that I don’t ever get my way in this relationship.

We didn’t say another word to each other. The ride to City Market was silent, with only the radio playing softly in the background. There was a song that came on, Better Together by Jack Johnson. Jake turned it up and turned to me, a small smile on his face. This is just one of the many songs we have shared over the years. When he first showed it to me, he truly believed we made each other better. Maybe we did at first, but then one day everything changed. He cheated on me and I haven’t been able to trust him ever since. He knows it I don’t trust him, he felt so guilty he started drinking, and he hasn’t stopped since. He is never abusive though, at least not physically. I tried leaving many times but each time I do he ends up drinking way too much and I have to stay and take care of him. The next morning he begs me to stay, tells me that I should have forgiven him by now. It’s been two years Cassy, get over it. He constantly says to me.

Even when we’re at home, if it isn’t one thing it’s another. Why didn’t you cook today, I work all day and this is what I get? The dishes have been there for weeks Cassy, it’s your job to do them. When are you going to do the damn laundry? This is how it is constantly. Everything always seems to be my fault. I’m not even angry anymore, just tired.

When we get to the store he goes right in towards the frozen foods section, expecting me to grab a cart. I don’t say anything while he goes through and fills the cart up. We go isle to isle looking for the things we need. 

 Once we’re done we head over to the self-checkout section and pay for everything. One of the only good things about him is that he is not stingy with money. He pays for half of everything and once we’re done we place everything in the cart again and go to the car.

There are leaves all around and I stop to step on some of them. I’ve always loved fall. All the colors and the Halloween decorations. And of course the leaves, I don’t think I’ve ever walked outside in the fall and not stepped on leaves.

“Can you stop acting like a child for a second and help me put the groceries into the car?”

I don’t say anything, just load the bags quickly into the trunk of the car. When we’re done I slam the trunk closed and sit on the passenger side. It takes Jake a while to come back because he had to place the cart across the parking lot. When he does he is breathing heavily. I can tell he is angry and trying his hardest to calm down.

He hits the steering wheel with both hands hard and it makes me jump. “What the hell was that Cassy?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Stop, please stop. Stop avoiding this conversation because you are not okay and you haven’t been for a while.” He grabs both my hands in his and brings them up to his lips, then his forehead.

“I am sorry, how many times do I have to say it? How many times do I have to prove to you that I messed up and that I will never, ever cheat on you again?”

I know what I must do but it doesn’t make it any less easy. There is a knot in my throat and tears in my eyes. I don’t know how long it takes me but finally, I force the words out, “I’m done. I don’t want to be with you anymore.”