Jen's Journal

I remember the girl who jumped over a train with me and came running when I told her I was having suicidal thoughts. And how can I forget the girl who named her care bear after me? To the girl I forced payment out of so that she could be my friend, I am so sorry, and how could anyone agree to that at such a young age? To the girls in elementary school I tried desperately to fit in with, thank you for helping me grow out of that by the time I got to middle school.

To the girl who made it a fashion choice to cut her wrists and cover them with bead bracelets, I hope you are okay, but please do not reach out. To the popular girl who tried to take me under her wing, I’m sorry I left. I got enough of the popular girls early in life to realize that is not for me. To the quiet girl, I think we could have been something, but I was too messed up to give myself over to friendship.

To the girls I met in high school, I miss you every day, but I would never go back. To the smart one, I think I pushed my way into your group. I never really felt connected with you, and after seeing how judgemental you were of people who mess up, I couldn’t bring myself to try and maintain a friendship. To the one who loves anime, I want to talk to you sometimes about everything I’ve found on my own, about the cat I own, about the fact that I finally watched Avatar because of you.

But I exceedingly regret cutting you out. You who I had more in common with than anyone. You who I talked to every day about nothing, about everything. You who I bonded over music and wrestling with, who I went to my first concert with, who I chased a bus with, who I camped out so we could be in the front row with. I know we’re entirely different people now, and we probably wouldn’t be friends, but I miss you more than I’d like to admit.

Thank you all for giving me your friendship, no matter how brief. Thank you for teaching me what forced company feels like, and may I never have to go through it again.