Jen's Journal

I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t even know how to get to a place where I know what I’m doing. I feel my lunch in the back of my throat, lingering there, just waiting to come out. It’s making my head hurt. I finish my fourth bottle of water, so I’m not dehydrated. There’s air conditioning inside, so I’m not hot. It’s not the smell of coffee, either. I’ve been working here two weeks now, and this is the first day I got sick.

“Jade, can you put these books away before you leave?” Linda asks, pushing the cart filled to the brim with books my way.

“Sure thing Linda” I reply, smiling politely.

I can’t say no to her if I wanted to. She’s 87 years old and she is still working here because she owns the place. It’s half coffee place, half book store. Linda and her husband opened this place up forty years ago. She told me that the only way she’ll stop working here, is if she died. Honestly she might outlive us all. Who knows.

I put the last book away and let out a deep breath. My shift is over, and I go back to the safety of my own home. My headache is getting worse, nothing seems to help. I’m walking out the door when I get a massage on my phone. It’s a notification from my period app that I’m five days late.

Fuck! A cold shiver runs through my spine just then. I don’t want to entertain the idea, but if I think about it, it makes sense. I’ve been very nauseous the past few days. I’ve been tired, had unexplained headaches, tender breasts, and now this. My period has never been this late before.

I sit down on the sidewalk to gather my thoughts. It could be something else. Right? I guess the only way I’ll be sure is if I take the test. Good thing I’ve been drinking water all day. I make my way over to the nearest drugstore, praying the entire way there that I’m not having a baby.

I’m only 21, not even out of college. On top of that, it took me months to get out of an abusive relationship. I don’t want to talk to Derek ever again, the last thing I want is to find out I’m having his baby. Just the thought makes my headache a lot worse.

As soon as I walk into the drugstore, I grab the cheapest test I can find, pay for it, and make my way to the bathroom. When I finish peeing on it, I go outside and slide down against the brick wall. I take a few deep breaths to try and calm my erratic heart.

My timer alerts me that three minutes have gone by. I look at the test and see the little pink plus sign staring back at me. I’m pregnant. I consider taking another test, but I know it’s useless. I begin sobbing, and I don’t stop. Why is this happening? I thought I was finally free of the monster that made my life miserable for three years. Now I have his baby growing inside me?

The thought makes me sick, and I stand up and bend over the nearest trash can just in time. People are coming in and out of the the store, staring at me as they do. They can stare all they want, it’s not going to make me puke any less.

I wipe my mouth with the sleeve of my shirt and start heading home. It’s only a five minute walk, but by the end I need to lie down. I look through my purse for my keys, but the damn things are nowhere to be found. I find them inside one of the pockets of the purse and silently curse the damn thing for having so many unnecessary pockets.

The first thing I do when I step inside is take off my bra. Then I immediately go into my bedroom and lie down to take a nap. Just as I’m slowly fading into sleep, an extremely loud song plays on the other side of the wall. I muffle my ears with my pillow, but it’s so loud I can physically feel the electronic music.

I curse into the pillow, scream, then force myself to stand up. I curse the entire way out. It must be a new neighbor that just happened to move in next to me. All I wanted was to take a damn nap!

I bang on the door where the loud music is coming from and wait for them to open the door. It opens, and the most attractive man I’ve ever seen opens the door. I almost forget why I’m there, except the music gets even louder and snaps me out of it.

“Can you please turn the music down? I’ve had a really long day and I’m trying to sleep.” I say.

He stares at me for longer than is usual, as if he’s studying me. A look crosses his face, and before I can figure out what it is he goes back to smiling. He replies, “I’m sorry, I just moved in here, and I thought no one was home yet.”

“Well, I am, so please just turn it down a bit.”

“I will. I’m Caleb, by the way. What’s your name?”

“Jade, it’s nice to meet you.” I extend my hand to shake his, and he leans in for a hug instead. He smells wonderful, like really expensive cologne.

“You as well.” He says.

I make my way home after that, and a smile crosses my face when I close the door. I realize that I forgot to brush my teeth, so I go into the bathroom before I sleep. I can’t hear the music anymore and I silently thank him.

When I look in the bathroom mirror, I understand why he couldn’t take his eyes off me. The small hairs on my head are pointing in every direction. My under eyes are swollen and red, and my nose is red as well. My eyes are glossy and its very obvious that I’ve been crying. I shake my head in embarrassment and wash my face. Oh well, there’s nothing I can do about it now.