Jen's Journal

I wake up to a loud knock on the door. Then I feel the bed dip, and I know Lexi is awake. She must have gotten home late last night because I didn’t hear her come in.

“Jade, wake up! I must tell you about the girl I was with last night!” she gushed.

I keep my eyes closed for two more seconds, then open them to see a very excited Lexi almost jumping in my bed. I sit up, smile because of how happy she looks, and nod for her to continue.

“So yesterday was the first time we met. I told you we’ve been talking online for a while, right? So anyway we went to the garden and had a picnic by the fountain. It was so romantic! She’s so sweet and cute, and omg I can’t wait to go out with her again! I wanted to tell you yesterday, but you were already asleep. Long day?” She asks.

“You have no idea. You know how I’ve been very nauseous lately? Well… turns out it’s because I’m pregnant.” Saying it out loud for the first time made it feel real. Like before, when no one else knew, there was no way it was actually true. I wait for Lexi to say something, but she’s in shock. You and me both, girl.

“Seriously? From that fucking asshole? I’m so sorry!” She reaches out to hug me, and I burst into tears.

Lexi, more than anyone, knows all I went through with Derek. She’s the one who made me see how toxic our relationship was and helped me get out of it. We both thought he was out of our life for good, and now I’m carrying his baby.

I have thought about having an abortion since I found out yesterday. I don’t want to bring someone into the world that will be a constant reminder of Derek. But at the same time, this baby is innocent. I talk about it with Lexi and see what she thinks. She argues that at the end of the day it is my decision.

We stay in my bed until we get hungry. Lexi cooks us breakfast, and unfortunately the smell of eggs makes me puke. When I walk back to the kitchen, she has pancakes for me to eat instead. I honestly don’t know what I would do without her.

“I gotta get to work but call me if you need anything, okay?” She insists.

“I will, thank you!” I shout. She grabs her purse and walks out the door.

I silently thank the universe because its the end of the week, and I have the whole weekend to decide what I want to do. Whatever I decide, the last thing I want to do is reach out to Derek.

*****

A week later, I decided enough was enough. I need to make a decision before I puke my guts out. But if I think about it, it has taken me this long to make a decision because I really don’t want to have an abortion. I know it’s going to be hard for me to go through with this, but in the long run I know this is what I really want. 

I go on about my day as usual. Wake up, make a tea, get ready, and go to work. It’s a routine I’ve been used to for a while now. Its simple, but I’m finally free to make my own day to day choices. When I was with Derek, he controlled everything about my day, from what I ate to when I slept. It was exhausting. 

I know it’ll be a challenge to raise this child on my own, but its better than having him in my life again. He’ll use this as leverage to keep me trapped forever. 

My shift is over before I realize and I start walking home. A nice warm shower is something I need to distract myself from everything going on. I step in and close my eyes to feel the water soothing me.  

I put my clothes on and grab a book to read. I’m currently reading The Vampire Lestat by Anne Rice. It’s a good book, and in my opinion, better than the first one. Books have always been an escape for me, but also they’ve helped me be less spacy. When I’m reading, I get involved in another world. So much so that I forget about mine for a while. 

Lexi waves her frantic hands in my face, bringing me back to the real world. I check my phone and notice I’ve been reading for two hours, oops. 

“So, what have you decided?” She asks, referring to the baby. 

“I’m gonna keep it.”

“Really? Okay! We have to make an appointment with Dr. Peterson and get you some vitamins! I’ve been reading about this stuff a lot, and we also need to get you…” she keeps talking, and at this point I zone out. 

I am so grateful to have Lexi in my life. She said she would support me, whatever I decided. She really is the best friend a girl can ask for.