Jen's Journal

I’ve been avoiding this for some time now. At first, I blamed it on my father’s death, as if resistance was born within me when he died. Then, when I started my blog, my goal was to submit once a week. And then resistance came from lack of energy, from working too much, from being depressed, all these excuses that I made for myself because I was dreading looking at a blank screen. I still do. 

But now I’m unemployed, I’m rested, and I have no more excuse to make other than I don’t want to. And that’s not the truth. This restlessness I feel comes from the fact that my soul desperately needs to write. Even if it’s dogshit. Even if everyone hates it. Even if I hate myself afterward for it, at least it’s better than hating myself for not writing. 

So here we go. Leaving childcare was one of the best decisions I could have made. Am I worried about where my next job is coming from? Yes, I’m terrified. But I know that there are jobs out there. Maybe not remote ones, perhaps not cozy ones where my boss is nice and I get a comfortable salary, but they’re out there. It’s better than being stuck caring for children who are not yours and being so tired and so resentful that you think about hurting them. We never do, we’re smarter than most people to know never to harm a child. But it doesn’t mean we don’t think about it.

Besides this, it was also starting to put so much stress on my physical health. I’m bleeding again with every bowel movement, and I have no health insurance left. I’m hoping once the stress levels go down after the wedding I’ll be back to normal again. 

Oh yeah, and then there’s the wedding in one week. I’m not so much stressed about the wedding as I am about all of our friends coming together and not getting along. We have friends on all sides of the spectrum and political sphere who might honestly get into fights if they meet. I keep telling myself that it’s okay if everything goes wrong because we’re already married, but I hope not EVERYTHING goes wrong. 

This was more of a rant than anything, but at least I’m writing again!