Jen's Journal

He was the warmth I needed to mend the cold over my heart.

His touch sparked something inside that I’ve never felt before.

It was as if all my life I lived in a melancholy state of mind and I’m just now noticing that there could be more.

He came into my life and I experienced a surreal feeling of happiness that I never thought existed.

All he had to do was look at me the way he does.

Now when he’s not near me I feel emptier than I ever felt before.

He has become my kryptonite, and that scares and excites me all at once and I can’t make sense of it, but I’m okay with that.

*****

I’ve never been so terrified of dying, and its because I’ve never been as happy as I am in this moment. I used to think maybe the best thing for me would be to go with my father because I miss him terribly every single day. The thing is I feel so loved here, so wanted and I finally feel like I have a reason to live.

I have a reason to stay alive and that scares me more than anything else. I am scared of what he’s doing to me. He’s become all I want to think about. All I want to be around. He’s the guy I envisioned in my head but never thought existed.

He’s making me forget all the advice, all the warning signs I received about love. If I’m lucky, I’ll spend the rest of my life with him. If I’m not, I would be honored to have my heart broken by him. I know that’s not healthy, but I’ve never wanted anything more in my life.

*****

He was so kind and attentive when I was first getting to know him. He seemed happy to be bear me and he treated me so well. Now he’s only like this when we’re in bed together. Every other time he treats me as if I was a disease he doesn’t want to get. He seems bored and uninterested in our conversations.

It seems he enjoys talking to anyone else but me. He looked at this girl a few days ago and my heart sunk because that is the way he used to look at me. I gave him everything I could, shared so much about myself and it still wasn’t enough for him.

Perhaps I should have listened to Diamond. She told me not to depend to people to much because they can sense it, and take advantage. The problem is that it’s been 21 days, meaning he’s become a habit of mine and I don’t know how to break it.

I don’t know if I want to. I’m only happy when he’s being affectionate which is not a lot these days. But maybe I want to stay with him because I’m in love with sadness. Perhaps I’m also afraid. I’ve been with him so long, 21 days is a long time for any hopeless romantic, that I wouldn’t know what to do without him.

I have goosebumps thinking of how it feels when he touches me. His lips are addictive, but it’s his touch that I’m addicted to.

When we’re laying down, he holds onto me as if he would drift away if he doesn’t. Perhaps we stay together because he needs optimism in his life and I am hope.

I don’t know if its love, but I know that I need him. I need him to hold me on those grief burst days when I miss my dad. I need him to tell me that I’m stupid when I mess up and to remind me that I can’t always get my way. I need him to bring me into the world of poetry and series and albums that I never knew existed.

***

Sometimes it feels like I’m wrong about him. He’s the most complicated person I’ve ever met, and the most interesting. He always asks me, “do you hate me yet?”

I ask why he wants me to hate him and he responds with, “you will sooner or later.”

I think he pushes me away because it’s hard for him to trust. I think he wants to test me, to see how much shit he can put me through before I give up on him. I have a feeling people have let him down so he tests them to see if they’ll stay.

The problem is that with every passing day I fall deeper and deeper on love with him, so no matter how much he pushes me away, I’m too far in to let go.