Jen's Journal

You know who it is, you’re picturing him in your mind right now. Remembering the way he looked at you when he was a few drinks in and his eyes couldn’t lie anymore. Remembering all the promises you made on those long summer nights. Remembering that they were all broken the day he left. And remembering the first time you saw him years later.

My heart caught in my throat when I laid eyes on him in the small coffee shop. But it wasn’t a good feeling. It felt as if the butterflies were attacking all of my insides as he came closer. As Halsey once said, “it’s funny how the warning signs can feel like they’re butterflies.” I should have turned around and left right then and there. I should have run away from him, just as he had all those years ago. 

He looked like a different person. He had a full beard and his arms bulged out of his blue button up shirt. I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. I almost chuckled to myself as it hit me that I no longer felt anything for him. Maybe I was just scared that he was standing right in front of me now, and I had no idea what to say.

“Hey Abigail, it’s good to see you.” He reached in for a hug and I stopped by putting my hand out to shake his.

He looked disappointed but took my hand in his and brought it up to his lips. I blurted out the first thing on my mind without thinking twice, “why are you here Caleb?” 

“Right to it huh? Can we sit down for a second?” He asked, motioning me to sit at the nearest table. He knew this was my favorite place to buy coffee in the morning. He changed but I’m still the same person with the same habits. 

I reluctantly agreed. Even though every part of me is screaming to run away from him, I still want an explanation. Maybe even need one. 

“I know I left abruptly and if you give me a chance I’d like to explain myself.” He said, picking at his thumb and looking anywhere but my eyes. Even years later, he can’t make eye contact when he’s sober.

I don’t say anything, just wait for him to continue. “I never told you, I never told anyone actually but I had a psychotic breakdown. My whole life got turned upside down and I couldn’t put that on anyone, let alone you. I told myself that I would come see you once I was okay again. It took some time, but here I am.”

“I’m sorry about that. But I’ve moved on Caleb. I’m married now, happily. I built a life without you in it and I’m not sure I want you to be a part of it.” 

He closed his eyes in defeat but nodded in understanding. I walked away then because it looked like there were tears building up in his eyes. If I saw him cry I don’t think I could have left him.