Jen's Journal

Dear Diary,

I’m so lucky. It’s what people tell me. It’s what I tell myself at night when my feet ache after a 10-hour shift at McDonald’s and I think about complaining because Robert never helps me with cooking, dishes, laundry, or anything. 

I’m lucky to even have him. I should be grateful I’m not alone at night. I should put him on a pedestal for not hitting me when he drinks. I should kiss his feet when he buys me flowers, sparkly earrings, clothes I don’t need. I should be beyond happy that he wants exactly what I do, three kids. 

It’s hard to think about that when my muscles are tight and my hands are scarred and my shoulders feel heavy, so heavy. But at least I’m not homeless. At least he doesn’t hit me or make me feel like shit when I over-season the chicken.

These are things I tell myself so I don’t end up feeling like a body meant to keep his bed warm. These are things I tell myself so I don’t give everything up and run screaming. These are things I tell myself at night when he thinks I’m sleeping to avoid having sex, but really I lost my libido somewhere between working 50 hours a week and coming home to Robert’s eyes glued to the television while I do everything. 

He doesn’t notice. And he probably won’t until football season is over. But after that, it’s hockey, then basketball, then baseball, then, oh shit, when does soccer go on? I don’t like to complain because I’ve learned from watching my parents that complaining is nagging’s ungrateful sister. I’m anything but ungrateful.

But I’m tired, so tired of living for someone else day in and day out. Tired of giving so much of myself just to be told to move because I’m blocking his precious football team. God forbid he miss even a second of it. I feel I’m shrinking more into myself every time I keep my mouth shut to avoid confrontation. It’s not that he yells or anything, he just makes me feel like I’m dramatic when I show any emotion that makes him uncomfortable. 

The thing is, I can’t imagine my life without him. He’s my social lubricant, my excuse for not being able to hang out with people. I like being invited to things but really I’m always hoping someone cancels because when the sports are done for the night I’m the only person he wants around. He brings me so close our breaths become one. And as we watch movies we’re both into and as his hand traces the dip in my spine I think of how foolish I am for ever thinking I can live without him.

-Till Next Time, Linda